The Other McCoy
by SneverusSnapers
Summary: It's medical check-up time but McCoy is acting rather strangely...


The Other McCoy

It was medical check-up time for the crew of the Enterprise. McCoy sighed, burying his head in his hands. This was going to be a long day!

He tackled security first. A giant group of redshirts exploded into the room.

"Don't touch that!" yelled McCoy as one particular individual plunged his hand into a vat of extremely corrosive acid.

"Careful…" he warned as another shut himself in the lift door. One redshirt managed to reach McCoy.

"Hey, Ensign Ricky…aren't you s'posed to be dead?"

"Oh…no…we had to double up. Now I'm Ensign Coughenhammer."

"Ensign _what_?"

"Coughenhammer."

McCoy blinked and took out the weird spinney thing that he uses to scan people (we'll call it a spinner for the time being) and ran a few checks over the group of redshirts.

"Hey….a lot of you are dead…and as for the rest of you…your life expectancy doesn't look to promising."

"What is it?" said one nervously.

"A few hours at the most."

"Phew. That's a relief, I was thinking more on a scale of seconds."

McCoy raised his eyebrows and, on deciding that there wasn't much he could do for these poor fellers, he led them out of the room and escorted them back down to security with only a few fatalities on the way.

Spock approached the Captain.

"Captain, I believe that we are due a medical check-up."

Kirk sighed.

"Captain." Spock persisted "we are already late and the sickbay is not in the near proximity, so logically we should proceed quickly in that direction."

Kirk stood up slowly and followed Spock from the room.

Kirk followed Spock into sickbay. McCoy was sitting on a chair. Spock stepped forwards.

"Doctor, I believe that now is the time for our medical check-up. The Captain and I have reported down here because…"

Spock became silent as McCoy motioned to him to stop talking.

"You seem to be suffering from a severe case of over-talking." he said in a mock-serious tone.

Spock blinked.

"Really doctor?"

"It's a joke, Spock." Kirk explained.

"That is illogical." said Spock. "Why would the doctor tell me that I am suffering from a malady as a joke?"

No-one could bring themselves to answer him.

"Right." said McCoy "Get onto the running machine, Kirk.

Kirk did so with a sigh. McCoy turned it to level three and Kirk was forced to run flat out.

"Why- do -we –have- to -do -this -again, Bones?" he began haltingly between breaths.

"Don't question me." said McCoy, jacking it up to MAX.

"Booooooooooooooones…!" Kirk bellowed as he grabbed onto the front bar, legs trailing behind him. "Make it stoooooooooop…!"

"Alright then…" said McCoy with a sneer, and he turned it straight down to zero. Kirk crunched into the wall, groaning.

"You next, Mr. Spock." he leered.

Spock obligingly stepped onto the machine. Without warning, McCoy turned it up to full power. Spock jogged along happily.

McCoy's face twitched and he turned it off again.

"Ok, then." he said, grabbing the spinner and running Kirk and Spock up and down with it.

"Oh dear." he said, shaking the spinner experimentally.

"What is it doctor?" Spock encouraged.

"This spinner- says you're fat."

"What?!" burst out Kirk.

"You too!"

"Ridiculous!"

"That's what it says. Now I'm putting you both on an extreme exercise regime. No buts!" he added as Kirk began to stutter.

"And I'll be supervising it myself."

Kirk looked as though someone had struck him over the head with a hammer. (No, he _wasn't_ lying on the floor with brains everywhere, it's just an expression for any of you Vulcans out there.)

Spock remained emotionless.

"Harder, faster!" yelled McCoy.

"I'm trying!" whimpered a hysterical Kirk, pumping away on the rowing machine.

"Well try harder." McCoy snapped back, jacking the level up to MAX.

Kirk groaned.

Spock coughed.

McCoy spun around.

"And you…" he started "You're not exactly working to the max are you?"

Spock tilted his head to one side.

"Excuse me Doctor, but I am unfamiliar with the phrase 'working to the max'."

McCoy ignored this.

"Alright. So you can lift three tonnes. I don't know how. But you're a Vulcan. You just can. Right. You lift that with your finger."

Spock paled.

"Doctor, that would be unwise. The most likely outcome would be for me to lose the finger in question."

McCoy smirked.

"I know." he said simply "And you're going to continue to lift that until you lose _all_ your fingers."

Kirk let out a gasp.

McCoy spun around.

Spock began to lift the weight.

"And as for you, James, you just do full power rowing until your arms drop off."

Kirk started to complain but McCoy had strode form the room.

Kirk was still struggling to pull the handle past a few centimetres when he noticed a sudden silence in the grinding of the weights. He glanced at Spock.

Spock was gazing in mild irritation at the ten of his digits that lay on the floor.

"Annoyed, Spock?" began Kirk.

"Annoyance is, I understand a human emotion. I am not capable of such feelings."

Kirk didn't believe a word of it. _But, _he thought mildly _Spock deserves to be annoyed. After all, all his fingers have just dropped off! _

Kirk's brow creased. _This wasn't like Bones. He was usually more worried about their health than trying to cause them pain… _An idea formulated in his head.

"Y'know, Spock," Kirk began.

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Evidently, I am not able to answer that question as you have not explained what it is I am supposed to know."

"I think McCoy's an impostor." Kirk continued.

Spock almost sneered but he managed to compose himself just in time.

"Ridiculous. And illogical." he said.

"I'm not so sure it is…" said Kirk with the air of a great detective onto a particularly difficult case.

"Since when did Bones wear a magenta suit?"

Spock frowned "Yes, I did wonder about that."

"And a sparkly silver balaclava."

"Hmmm…" Spock replied "And I observed that he was approximately one metre and 75.8269 centimetres taller than the Doctor."

"And his feet weren't that big." added Kirk.

"Size one, I estimate. Children's size."

"Yes, and he was a little bit on the chubby side…"

"Approximately the width of a bus…"

"Yes…" said Kirk slyly "And the red eyes were a bit…"

"Abnormal." finished Spock.

There was a pause.

"Come on then…" said Kirk "We gotta find the impostor…"

Spock stood up and, with some difficulty, scooped his fingers into his phaser holster.

They swept from the room.

"Ah, " said Kirk "Scotty. Have you by any chance seen someone that looks like McCoy around?"

Scotty frowned.

"Except about 1.758269 metres taller." Spock added.

"And wearing a pink suit."

"He also sports a silver balaclava."

"He's got red eyes." Kirk chipped in.

"And child size one feet."

Scotty thought carefully.

"Oh, and he's fat." Kirk finished.

"Ah." Scotty sighed. "I know who you mean. That's my brother."

"Your _what_?"

"My brother."

"Mr. Scott." began Spock, a little sternly "May I enquire as to just _what_ your brother is doing on the Enterprise?"

"We already know _that_, Spock." Kirk said, smiling.

"Captain, I believe that the logical way to proceed would be to 'hunt down' so to speak, said brother of Mr. Scott."

"Yes, yes." said Kirk offhandedly. "Let's go."

They spotted the other McCoy trying in vain to squeeze down a corridor. To be honest, he wasn't easy to miss.

Spock darted forwards and endeavoured to administer the Vulcan neck pinch. His plan came a bit of a cropper when he realised that he had no fingers.

The other McCoy seized Spock around the neck.

Just then, Uhura intervened. Hefting the other McCoy over her head, she shoved him out of a nearby window.

She looked very pleased with herself.

There was a silence.

"What have you done?" screamed Kirk and Scotty simultaneously.

"You lobbed Spock out too!" said Kirk in disbelief.

"And that was my _brother_!"

Uhura clapped her hand to her forehead.

"What are we going to do/" she said.

No-one spoke.

"Erm…" said Chekov, appearing from round the corner "This is Star Trek you know, we're not completely incompetent. Well. Not all of us." Here he looked at Kirk who was more confused than ever.

"We _can_ time travel you know…" Chekov began.

"Ah!" said Kirk "I've just had a master plan! We'll time travel back!"

Chekov shook his head in disbelief.

Kirk followed Spock into sickbay. McCoy was sitting on a chair. Spock stepped forwards.

"Doctor, I believe that now is the time for our medical check-up. The Captain and I have reported down here because…"

Spock became silent as McCoy motioned to him to stop talking.

"You seem to be suffering from a severe case of over-talking." he said in a mock-serious tone.

Spock blinked.

"Really doctor?"

"It's a joke, Spock." Kirk explained.

"That is illogical." said Spock. "Why would the doctor tell me that I am suffering from a malady as a joke?"

No-one could bring themselves to answer him.

"Right." said McCoy "Get onto the running machine, Kirk.

Kirk did so with a sigh. McCoy turned it to level three and Kirk was forced to run flat out.

"Why- do -we –have- to -do -this -again, Bones?" he began haltingly between breaths.

"Don't question me." said McCoy, jacking it up to MAX.

"Booooooooooooooones…!" Kirk bellowed as he grabbed onto the front bar, legs trailing behind him. "Make it stoooooooooop…!"

"Alright then…" said McCoy with a sneer, and he turned it straight down to zero. Kirk crunched into the wall, groaning.

"You next, Mr. Spock." he leered.

Spock obligingly stepped onto the machine. Without warning, McCoy turned it up to full power. Spock jogged along happily.

McCoy's face twitched and he turned it off again.

"Ok, then." he said, grabbing the spinner and running Kirk and Spock up and down with it.

"Oh dear." he said, shaking the spinner experimentally.

"What is it doctor?" Spock encouraged.

"This spinner- says you're fat."

"What?!" burst out Kirk.

"You too!"

"Ridiculous!"

"That's what it says. Now I'm putting you both on an extreme…"

"STOP!" yelled Kirk, bursting into the room.

Kirk looked at his future self in disbelief.

"_What_?"

"STOP. This man is an IMPOSTOR!"

Spock tilted his head.

"Yes, I thought so."

"Liar." muttered Kirk from the future under his breath.

Spock blinked.


End file.
